A milestone waiting to be revealed

There is a point in my life where I have decided to change the way I see and focus on things. I told myself to be adventurous and let go of my practical tendencies. I have this inclination to be too practical that I often end up not enjoying life at all or missing out on the excitement of expecting something that is not within my control.

Amidst my predilection for having a full grasp in the management of all aspect of my life events, I also believe in God. I guess by default. I have always believed that God will do something for me even without asking for it. I believed the idea of putting one's trust in God and leaving all worries behind. I realized later on, however, that all I have is an idea about God and all the things there are to believe in him. What I was doing all along was trying to manipulate the way God should handle me so that my ultimate goal of gaining control over my life will be attained.

I roamed the streets of Manila with a broken heart; not from a failed romance or anything commonly associated with a broken heart. I was frustrated and disillusioned with the way God has been dealing with me. I thought I have given everything there is to be offered to him to deserve his favor but I felt I was not getting any. I decided at that point, while sitting down on the sidewalk of an abandoned street at way past midnight, to abandon my faith.

I associated my lack of accomplishments from the conflict I had with my perfectionist attitude and my belief in God. If things were not in their proper place then I would end up being paralyzed. I just cannot go on if a single bit is out of order. Then, I would employ the idea that God will do something for me. I would wait while being paralyzed. I waited for long until that time when I abandoned my faith.

I somehow tested how it is not to be afraid of the consequences of not believing in God. I did try for a segment of time but at the back of my mind, I think I still believed in him. I was just turning my face away from Him but I know he was there. It was not entirely a denunciation of my belief but merely denial.

Then God allowed me to endure a particular experience that modified my belief about Him. After that experience I would have my prayers answered. That is a story I have to be really prepared to tell. For now, I guess I have to keep it to myself.