A milestone waiting to be revealed

There is a point in my life where I have decided to change the way I see and focus on things. I told myself to be adventurous and let go of my practical tendencies. I have this inclination to be too practical that I often end up not enjoying life at all or missing out on the excitement of expecting something that is not within my control.

Amidst my predilection for having a full grasp in the management of all aspect of my life events, I also believe in God. I guess by default. I have always believed that God will do something for me even without asking for it. I believed the idea of putting one's trust in God and leaving all worries behind. I realized later on, however, that all I have is an idea about God and all the things there are to believe in him. What I was doing all along was trying to manipulate the way God should handle me so that my ultimate goal of gaining control over my life will be attained.

I roamed the streets of Manila with a broken heart; not from a failed romance or anything commonly associated with a broken heart. I was frustrated and disillusioned with the way God has been dealing with me. I thought I have given everything there is to be offered to him to deserve his favor but I felt I was not getting any. I decided at that point, while sitting down on the sidewalk of an abandoned street at way past midnight, to abandon my faith.

I associated my lack of accomplishments from the conflict I had with my perfectionist attitude and my belief in God. If things were not in their proper place then I would end up being paralyzed. I just cannot go on if a single bit is out of order. Then, I would employ the idea that God will do something for me. I would wait while being paralyzed. I waited for long until that time when I abandoned my faith.

I somehow tested how it is not to be afraid of the consequences of not believing in God. I did try for a segment of time but at the back of my mind, I think I still believed in him. I was just turning my face away from Him but I know he was there. It was not entirely a denunciation of my belief but merely denial.

Then God allowed me to endure a particular experience that modified my belief about Him. After that experience I would have my prayers answered. That is a story I have to be really prepared to tell. For now, I guess I have to keep it to myself.

"It depends on how I feel"

Each time upon waking up in the morning, I would have the feeling that I shall never allow myself to sleep late at night. I should have not wasted my time last night dilly dallying and making pictures of myself. I regret having done so many of them and I feel like erasing each single shot and start over a new life for myself. I guess mornings really do that to me. When I don’t get enough sleep the previous night, I tend to reorganize my priorities and put sleeping and being good on top of the list. But of course in the middle of the day and especially after work, everything changes. I would eventually go back to what I have done the previous day at exactly the same time. Now, I know this has something to do with emotions that I must not at all trust. I have known this for quite some time now that is why when I have the regretful feeling in the morning, I really don’t believe it and not let it drag me down. I would entertain the remorseful emotions each morning in my youth and what it has led me to do is to be delinquent in my school attendance. I would always be late. Thus, this time that I am already working and my time is being paid for my keeps, I have managed to let myself revise my psyche first thing in the morning. I don’t start the day by dwelling on my emotions. I don’t trust it as much as before because it fades away and the thought pattern or resolution that arises from the emotion of the moment is not binding and is only fleeting. After all, nothing is really permanent when it comes to thoughts, especially when the external circumstances are also intervening. If it were only up to my emotions and not include logic and will in my life, then my actions would be erratic.

The Journey from Dreariness

Here I am looking out of the window again. Like before, there is nothing much to see out there. It is the same as yesterday. Darkness looms and gives way to light. Happiness lingers and succumbs to sadness. All the rest is the same thing as what happened in the past. That is why words spoken by our predecessors are words inspiring us even to this day—for we can identify—for what we have is the same as what they had before.

What else is new? What is there to explore? What is there to look forward to? -- Nothing. There is nothing more to discover. Almost all things have been covered.

It is just that there is this order that has to be maintained; all for the sake of keeping things within the grasp of understanding of mankind. If new things come up every single time, new order has to be established. For without order mankind will be in confusion.

The new things have to be placed in order and they have to be connected with the old order to achieve order itself. In doing so, a moment of chaos may arise and also a moment of confusion. Or maybe not only a moment, but long periods of chaos and confusion will arise because every single time a new thing arises or a new order inserts in the just about to be ordered things, order has to slowly settle in to eliminate confusion. But come to think of it, order cannot be achieved at all as new orders constantly insert itself in the lives of mankind. Constant chaos will be the order of things.

I guess the creator of all these resolved to have things repeat itself to have things in a pattern go in a circle—to create connection—to achieve order and peace. But did the creator consider the dreariness that will arise like what I am having now?

The antidote for this dreariness, that I think the creator has provided is to put somebody who reached the pinnacle of monotony to another order that was not indulged in before. For I believe that the order in this world is composed of several circles or rings that are locked to each other in a sort of connection. This interlocking rings comprise the whole order of this world and one who is bored with one ring of order can just jump out to another ring to find new things that is not new after all. It is just a matter of exchange gifts between persons just to have variety.

You see this happens when we meet new people and get to learn about their lives and somehow, even through their stories, we get to be in their world or ring of order. That is in a way, starting the process of transferring to another ring of order. It seems to be creating a variety. But only seemingly, for variety is relative. To one a ring of order is old, to another it is new.

Finding new things then, is just jumping to old and tested stuff of other people --leaving us to try and test it also and later on leave it.

It is a case of a set of parents rearing children for their children to rear their own children later on---mingling with other set of parent’s children. Nothing new there-- all the same stuff--- same old circles interlocking each other.

There is a reason why I explored this idea of "interlocking rings of human experience". I have given the impression that I get tired of one thing after some time. I portrayed someone who dislikes taking a second look. But the truth of the matter is, some things are worth looking at the second time around--or even a third, fourth, fifth-- or many times around. Most persons don't even want to part with the world they have been accustomed to.

But I am just not that type. I have been jarred by my past that I have the tendency not to dwell in it anymore. I always want to move on to escape the pain of the moment. It is not really because I am bored. I am just afraid to linger and be susceptible to the harsh realities of life. I don't want to have a closer look.

I know that there is no harm in taking a second glance. There may be something in what I have been staring at that I have not truly seen the value of. I just lack courage and wisdom. I focus my understanding on things that I can be impersonal about like this idea of "world order of interlocking circles". I keep myself far from emotional vulnerability.

Oh my mind! It can do a lot of things. It can make or break me. It can justify me and it can expose me. It can also take me away from this boredom. I know it shall eventually will. I have been given that faculty by my creator. I just have to employ it in just a matter of time.